Toy Vending Machines and False Promises

Don't fall for our lies.

​A miniature deck of cards? Tiny handcuffs? A sticker with the logo of your favorite team? Fat chance.

I was duped many a time by those machines in the entryway to the department store. I would happily forfeit my only quarter for a shot at those tiny playing cards. They looked cool. 

One turn of the metal knob later, plastic disappointment would roll down to the door. Nowhere in the display did it show a plastic ant that could be worn as a ring. There were no stickers of the Pittsburgh Steelers or Dallas Cowboys in those machines. Heck, you were lucky to even get a football sticker half of the time. 

Someone out there stocked those machines. I hope they feel immense guilt at duping millions of children out of their quarters. If not, I hope one of them can find it in their heart to send me a miniature batting helmet from the Pittsburgh Pirates. Lord knows I probably put your kids through college, it's the least you could do.

---